A Novel Approach to Building Confidence: A Guide to Saying Sorry Less
How changing one small word can strengthen confidence and boost self-esteem.
Many people who come to therapy describe a quiet but persistent sense of self-doubt. They often struggle with low self-esteem, conflict avoidance, or a lack of confidence—and one surprising habit that reinforces this pattern is the tendency to over-apologize.
You may have been told, “Stop apologizing so much,” or, “You don’t need to say sorry.” And while you might nod in agreement, most people aren’t given a clear explanation of why this habit matters—or how to change it.
Why “Sorry” Hurts Confidence
Here’s the key: sorry implies guilt. Every time you use it out of context, you quietly send yourself the message: I did something wrong. Over time, this is like death by a thousand cuts to your confidence and self-worth.
From a cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) perspective, confidence building often starts with small, intentional shifts in behavior. Replacing the unnecessary use of “sorry” with healthier language not only improves communication but also helps boost self-esteem.
Everyday Overuse of “Sorry” and Confidence Building
Consider a simple moment at the supermarket. You’re standing in front of the pasta aisle, trying to decide what to buy, when someone comes up behind you. You step aside and say, “Sorry.” But what are you guilty of? You have just as much right to look at pasta as anyone else.
Other common examples of over-apologizing include:
“Sorry to interrupt.”
“Sorry to bother you.”
“I’m sorry, but…”
This habit often shows up in emails and texts too. In those cases, “sorry” often serves as a preemptive apology—an attempt to avoid conflict before it even arises. Over time, this reinforces low confidence and self-doubt.
When “Sorry” Is Appropriate
In reality, there are only a few occasions where “sorry” is truly appropriate:
When you physically bump into someone and feel bad.
When you cause harm, such as running a stop sign and hitting another car.
When someone experiences a loss and you say, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
That last example is a gray area. Unless you caused the loss, it isn’t technically accurate. What we really mean is: “I know you’re hurting, and I feel bad for you.”
Words to Use Instead of “Sorry”
You can’t just take away a habit without replacing it. If you try, the old behavior usually sneaks back in. Instead of “sorry,” practice saying:
“Excuse me.”
“Pardon me.”
“I apologize.”
Unlike “sorry,” these phrases don’t imply guilt. They show consideration and accountability without eroding your confidence or self-worth.
Some people ask me if there’s really a difference between “sorry” and “I apologize.” My answer is this: in practice, I might ask someone to accept my apology, but I would never expect them to accept my sorry. “Sorry” often functions more to make us feel better than to truly acknowledge the other person.
Building Confidence One Word at a Time
If you struggle with low self-esteem or find yourself constantly apologizing, changing this one small habit can have a surprisingly big effect. It takes practice and persistence, but it’s a concrete way to begin shifting the way you see yourself.
It won’t cure self-doubt overnight, but it’s a powerful step toward building confidence—and momentum matters.
Taking the Next Step
If you’ve found yourself stuck in patterns of low confidence, self-doubt, or over-apologizing, therapy can help you build confidence, improve self-esteem, and create lasting change. With support, small behavioral shifts can grow into meaningful transformations in how you see yourself and how you relate to others.
I’m Larry Shapiro, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist practicing in Missouri, New Jersey, and through PsyPact in many other states. If you’re ready to start building confidence and creating positive change, I invite you to reach out and schedule a consultation